Cold Openings

There’s good news and there’s bad news this week at the movies. The good news is that next week kicks off the summer movies which mean this is the last week that I have to give my report from the freezer, which is the bad news.

This week at theatres is an 80’s breakdancer in a 20-year coma, a death row inmate fighting for his freedom and a young boy who is unseen because of his untimely death.


First up is The Invisible. Nick Powell is the perfect kid, loved by his mom and classmates until one night he is viciously assaulted and left for dead. The next day he shows up for school and discovers that he is invisible. It seems that he’s trapped somewhere between life and death and the only way to make it right is to solve his own murder. The concept sounds interesting, but the lack of faith that the studio is showing lets you know that THEY don’t think this film is any good. If it’s bad enough for them, then it’s bad enough for me.


The Condemned
What’s deal with movies about rich people hunting down poor folks for sport? Stone Cold Steve Austin stars in The Condemned as a prison awaiting the death penalty in a corrupt Central American prison. Bought like a slave by a wealthy TV producer, he is taken to a island in the middle of nowhere where he must fight to the death against nine other condemned killers. Much like Ice-T in Surviving the Game and the poor White People in Distress from Hostel, no matter how rich the hunters, the hunted is always just a little bit smarter and ultimately survives. Do yourself a favor and rent Surviving the Game. It’s not that good, but it’s cheaper than going to see this mess “condemned” to an early DVD date!



Kickin' It Old Skool
Comedian Jamie Kennedy is back after the disastrous Malibu’s Most Wanted, with the equally wretched Kickin’ It Old Skool. In the film Kennedy plays a young break dancer who hits his head during a talent show and slips into a coma for twenty years. Waking up in 2006, he looks to revive his and his team's career with the help of his girlfriend and his parents. The only thing funny about that premise is the smell. Released the week before the summer movie season launched, it’s not an accident that everyone associated with this film wants any record of their involvement “X-ed” out. A week from now the only thing kickin’ about this film will be the speed that theatre owners drop kick this piece of “shiznet” to the curb to make room for the “real movies.”